Therapy
by LiteralBlue
Summary: In a bar in Midgar, every charachter in FFVII meet a barmaid who gives them a small clue as to the aspects of their lives they don't know about. Pure humour ratings may change.
1. Tseng

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. However, I do own this unlikely scenario, the New Star Bar and the OC Kamui.

I intend to write a chapter on every character in Final Fantasy VII... let's face it, they basically all need therapy.

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**Chapter One: case of Tseng**

New Star Bar was an average brewery and sandwich bar run by a certain Kamui Saken, and occupied mostly by "happies", as Kamui called them. Today was an average day for Kamui; though she both ran and owned the bar; she had a lot of free time on her hands. Dull music was playing in the background, and the background chatter of her regulars was dull and quiet.

The door swung open, and a tall man with long black hair slipped in; several of Kamui's happy friends swung their heads up as the Wutaian strode smoothly up to the bar. He pulled up the only available stool, next to a large, muscular man. The barmaid, a tall woman with surprisingly well-suited electric blue hair, wordlessly poured him a coke with ice & slice. The man next to him offered him a drink. When the Wutaian politely refused, the man slid back to a table.

"Don't accept drinks from him unless you're after an interesting fight with his little friend."

"What do you mean?" he asked. The barmaid leaned over, showing a lot of bosom.

"He's... well, you could call it…"

"Gay?"

"I prefer the term "happy". I get a lot of them in here."

"Hmm. And how, pray, do you know that he is, as you put it, _happy_?" Kamui nodded over his shoulder, and he twisted to see the man snogging his boyfriend in the corner. "Ah." Kamui smiled. "Did he honestly think _I _was interested-"

"You look it." Tseng spat out a good quantity of coke, most of it onto Kamui's shirt; this turned it see-through, to the delight of several.

"_WHAT?"_

"Sorry, was that too harsh?"

"I mean… _come on, _I'm not-" Kamui sniggered.

"In this day and age, having hair that length can mean only that you're either female or trying to be."

"Ah-"

"Hey, why are all your speeches ending in hyphens?"

"I don't know. Do I really come across as-"

"You're doing it again. And yes, you do. In all the flashbacks in Elmyra Gainsborough's house, you swung your hips whenever you spoke. The girl you used to have a crush on died, and most people think you like Rufus."

"What!"

"There, you see, it's not hard to avoid hyphenating every time you speak."

"RUFUS? Are you serious?"

"Yup. Is it not true then?"

"NO!" Tseng squealed in a very high-pitched voice. Kamui flinched, then shouted across the bar.

"Mike, he's straight, you owe me ten Gil! John, if you're going to throw up _please _use a bucket. Lawrence, James, we have an alley for you to do _that_ in!" Tseng abruptly stood up.

"I need to go. Interesting conversation."

"Okay," Kamui said, "but if I were you I'd keep my eyes down when I leave."

"Why?"

"You don't want to know how many blokes are making eyes at you." Replied the barmaid smoothly.

When the door swung shut behind Tseng, several men whistled.

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A/N Hello, another one of Lilliana's strange ideas! Like it? Hate it? Please review, _constructive _criticism is welcome. And _please_ don't tell me the situation is unlikely, it's _supposed _to be! 


	2. Reno

A/N Sorry it's been so long! Forgive me!

**Chapter Two: Case of Reno**

The door swung suddenly opened, producing a young man with a messy mane of violently red hair, in a crumpled suit. He crossed the room, pulled up a stool and tried to look Kamui up and down; his eyes didn't quite manage to get past her chest. Wordlessly the barmaid got him a beer, then sat opposite him and watched him down half his drink in a gulp. Finally he looked up at her.

"I can see a lot of chest." He commented.

"Well, there's a lot to go around." She replied easily.

"I mean, you're wearing a see-through shirt." He said slowly. She smiled and moved her shoulders to squish her boobs together. "What's the point?" asked the redhead.

"Of wearing a see-through shirt, you mean?"

"Yeah! If it's see-through, then what's the point in wearing it? It's not concealing anything. Same as those corsets people have on over their clothes. If they can actually _see_ a corset, then _obviously _they aren't _naturally _thin. And what's the deal with airline food? I want a hamster. Hi, I'm Reno."

"Okaaaaaaaay… what was that about a hamster?"

"I dunno. Did I mention a hamster?"

"Yup, and you said something about airline food. You drink a lot, don't you?"

"Not really. People just assume I do, 'cause I maybe do a bit."

"Oh, umm. You keep talking. I hear you're a Turk. And those are interesting tattoos."

"Yup. Nobody in the game's got really interesting scars, so I thought to myself, if I get tattoos then the graphics'll make 'em look like scars, thus adding interest, see?"

"Not really. Next question?"

"Why does everyone assume I'm a drunk womanizer?"

"Well… I quote, "shut up Elena, you're making me sober". You spend a lot of time in bars, and you look the sort. If I were you, I'd be more worried about the whole Pairing Whore thing."

"The what?"

"People pair you with basically everyone. Even Palmer. Blame Square Enix."

**For the next few hours Kamui and Reno had extensive brain surgery to remove all ideas that they were characters in a game, film or fanfiction**

"Wait, what are we talking about?" asked Kamui, somewhat confused.

"No idea. Hey, you've got stitches on your forehead!"

**The occurrence then paused for another hour whilst the stitches were edited out**

Kamui flipped her dark blue hair from her face and smirked as a somewhat confused Reno left the bar. When the door shut, several whistled sounded from her happy friends and she wondered when he would realise he had paid for a five-gil beer with a forty-gil note.

A/N YES, another attempt at humour. Hope you like it! And I've dyed my hair dark blue before, it actually looked quite good. Oh, and there IS a Reno/Palmer fic on this site. I don't support the pairing, but it's very well-written. On request from WolfDemonRika, Vincent will be next.


End file.
